


I will never be the same

by KadynE2025



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Bi Derek Morgan, Bi Spencer Reid, Death of Jason Gideon (Mentioned), Everyone is worried about Reid, M/M, Oblivious Spencer Reid, Protective Derek Morgan, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer is scared to go back to work just in case the team is disappointed in him, Spencer needs a hug, Worried Aaron Hotchner, Worried David Rossi, Worried Emily Prentiss, Worried Penelope Garcia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 5,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26630953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KadynE2025/pseuds/KadynE2025
Summary: Set just after Season 10 "Nelson's Sparrow". Pretty much Spencer is really depressed after Gideon's death and Derek wants to help him. Derek is also in love with Spencer. Spencer thinks that Derek is being rude and making fun of him for being so messed up over Gideon's death, when really Derek wants Spencer to know that it is ok to cry sometimes.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 17
Kudos: 39





	1. Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am currently rewatching all of the saddest episodes because I am really depressed and I wanted to remind myself of all of the things these characters have gone through. Hopefully this fic doesn't suck! Have a great day!

**SPENCER REID**

After I return home from Gideon's funeral I pull out my chess board. I start a game with myself. Remembering that I need to think 3 moves ahead. This would be so much easier if Gideon was here. I walk into the bathroom looking a the cabinet under the sink. One shot and I could be with Gideon again. Just a little to much in the sryinge and it will be over. **_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!_**

"Hey Pretty Boy! You home?" Morgan yells

I go and open the door hoping it isn't obvious what I was thinking about. If Morgan knew I wonder what he would say.

"How are you doing Pretty Boy?" He asks

"I'm ok all things considered." I answer

"We are all planing on going to get dinner tomorrow. I was wondering if you wanted to go."

"I don't know Morgan. I don't really feel very well." I lie

"I'll bring you some and then you can still eat. I know you don't really eat with chopsticks anyway so."

"Oh whatever."

"I'll see you tomorrow at work though right?"

"Most likely."

"Ok I'll see you then." He says with a small smile and a wave

I shut the door behind him and walk back to the bathroom. If I am going to work tomorrow that means that I cannot kill myself, but the effects of the drug should wear off before morning. I unlock the cabinet and pull out a vile and sryinge. I inject myself and allow the drug to take me away from what has happened the past few days. With the drug I am happy. With the drug nothing is wrong. This is ok.


	2. Death (continued)

**DEREK MORGAN**

As I pull up to the office I notice that Spencer is standing outside of the builiding. I walk up to him and notice that he has tears in his eyes.

When he looks up and sees me he quickly wipes away his tears.

"Hey there Pretty Boy. You ok?" I asks concerned

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He says with what I'm assuming he wanted to be a smile

"Why didn't you take Hotch up on the offer of time off? You obviously need some time off." I say

"I'm fine. I just need to have something to do. I hate sitting around and moping."

"Ok. Let's get going then." I say still worried about him

He isn't the best at expressing his emotions. The last time something this bad happened was when Emily "died". He said then that he really considered going back on Dilaudid. I really hope that if he needs something he will ask. I would do anything to help him. If he showed up at my house at 2am I would let him in and listen to anything he said. No matter what it was. If he needed to come to my house at 2am that way he didn't end up in a dark alley buying drugs I would let him stay forever.

When we get into the conference room I take the seat right next to him.

"Ok my pretties I would love to tell you that you are all going on an exotic vacation, but you are actually heading to New York City. The reason is very yucky. I don't want to ruin your eyes, but this is why you are going to New York." Garcia says showing pictures of three bodies

"The first victim is 28 year old Danny Fredricks. He was beaten almost to death, then left in the middle of the road. He was dead by the time the paramedics arived at there. The next is 27 year old Britney Adair. She like Danny was beaten, but here is the difference she was held for almost a month. In that time she had gotten pregnant. Luckly drivers had seen her lying in the road, so the doctors believe they can save the baby. Sadly Britney died. The last victim is also the worst. 13 year old Emma Anderson. She was raped, beaten, stabed, and raped again before she died. The reason the cops have connected these murders as serial murders is because in all three cases each victim was drugged with.. um... Dilaudid..." She says trailing off

"So we are dealing with a sadistic, male that thinks if he can get the girls pregnant he can make the guy father the child. Have they looked for a male body around the age of 13-14? Next question did Emma have a child before death?" Spencer asks 

"Um yah actually. From what the M.E. says the child should be about 1 week old." Garcia answers

"Ok. Wheels up in 30." Hotch says

Spencer jumps up and is out the door before Hotch is even done talking. I look at Hotch and he nods. I run after Spencer. He goes into the bathroom and slams a stall door shut. I go up to the door and see that his satchel is on the ground.

"Spencer? Are you ok?" I ask

"I'm fine Morgan. Why did you follow me into the bathroom? That's kinda creepy don't you think?" He asks

"Well I just... um... Hotch and I are both worried about you. I mean these victims are... um... going through the same torture that you went through." I say

"So you just assumed that I was coming in here to get high? Thanks Morgan. It is so nice to know that you have so much trust in me. Actually I came in here because my mom was calling me and this is about the only place I thought I could talk to her without one of you guys listening." He says opening the door and coming out

"Oh..."

"Yah so if you don't mind I would like to do that."

"Yah. Ok. I'm sorry." I say awkwardly walking to the door and leaving


	3. Lies, Lies, and more Lies

**SPENCER REID**

As soon as I am sure that Derek is gone I go back into the stall and pull out a new vile. If I do this now I will still be high when the plane takes off, granted not extremely high as long as I don't use a whole vile. I carefully pull about 1/4 of the vile and inject myself. I allow the drug to wash over me like a beach is washed over by a wave. This case is going to be a hard one. The exact same thing happened to me. The only reason I am alive is because I didn't want to let anyone down. Yet here I am letting everyone down. God am I an idiot. Why am I thinking about this. The drug should have kicked in by now.

**DEREK MORGAN**

I carry the three viles of Dilaudid to Hotch's office. When I open the door he sighs.

"Is he ok? Did he inject any before you got those out of his bag?" Hotch asks

"I don't think so. He had just gotten in there. I replaced these with viles of water." I say just as the door opens

"What the fuck Derek!" Spencer exclaims from behind me

"Spencer come here." I say slowly

"Hell no! Leave me alone!" He says storming out the door.

I chase after him again. This time instead of going into the bathroom he goes straight to the door. He goes outside and runs to the bus stop. I follow him all the way there. 

"Spencer you have to understand that what I did, I did for your own good" I say when I get close enough for him to hear me

He ignores me and gets on the bus. I try to get on, but the bus drives away carrying Spencer with it. I call him 3 times leaving voicemails each time. Then I text him.

"Spencer please answer. Hotch and I are both worried about you. And we have a case. Hotch and the rest of the team have already left. Please answer me Pretty Boy." I say

He soon texts back, "Morgan, I thought you trusted me. I thought I could trust you. I miss Gideon, but that does not mean that I was about to get high. If I was I would have already done it. Tell Hotch that I am not going to be able to come back to work. -Spencer Reid"

I call Hotch

"Hotchner."

"I don't think that I gave you all of Spencer's stash." 

"What makes you think that?"

"I called him 3 times and when he wouldn't answer I texted him. He said that he wouldn't be able to come back to work."

"Can you drive to his apartment please and be sure that he is ok?"

"Yah I am on my way there now." 

After hanging up I speed to Spencer's house. I go up the stairs to his door and knock.

"Go away Morgan!" 

"Spencer let me in."

"No! I don't want to talk to you."

I take out my extra key and unlock the door. Spencer is sitting on his couch. I take a quick look for any viles that he might have used. When I don't see any I walk over to him. He is crying again. I sit down next to him and pull him into my arms. He stiffens, but only for a minute then he slowly relaxes into my embrace.

"It's ok to cry. You know that right Pretty Boy?" I ask

"I don't cry."

"Ok." 

We stay in the embrace for what feels like hours. He cries into my chest. I hold him tightly. After he has cried all of his tears, he sits up and moves away. I keep my arm around his shoulders, not wanting to let him go.

"I'm sorry that you never got to say goodbye to Gideon." I say

"This is the second time I never got to say goodbye to him. This time I didn't get a letter though." He says in a whisper

"I know. He thought of you as a son you know?"

"Yah."


	4. Chapter 4

**DEREK MORGAN**

I hold Spencer even though he already stoped crying. He doesn't protest anymore. I grab a book that he has sitting on his coffe table and hand it to him. He looks up at me, confused.

"Read to me Spencer. I want to know if you read as fast out loud as you do in your head." I say

"I don't really read out loud. Most people think this book is 'lame' anyways." 

"I don't care. I want you to read to me Pretty Boy."

I pull his head onto my chest and he begins reading. His voice is quieter than when he talks, but also more sure. It's almost like when he is giving statistics. He is sure about what he is saying, but unsure about saying it outloud. About a third of the way through the book he yawns. 

"You tired Pretty Boy?"

"I'm fine."

"You should sleep. Hotch wants me to grab some paper work from his office, but I will be back. Stay here." I say moving away from him towards the door

"Ok."


	5. Chapter 5

**SPENCER REID**

As soon as I am sure that Derek is no longer near my appartment I grab my keys out of the dish on the table. Hopefully my car has gas in it, it has been a while since I driven it. I climb into my car and start driving towards the airport. My phone rings about 15 minutes into the drive.

"Dr. Reid."

"Spencer! Where are you?" Derek shouts into my ear

"I'm sorry Morgan, but I just can't anymore. I really wish that I could better explain this to you, but Gideon left without a trace, then he died. That is my reason for leaving. I wish I could stay. I have many good memories with you guys, but sometimes the bad things are to much to handle. Goodbye Derek." I say hanging up


	6. Chapter 6

**DEREK MORGAN**

"Hotch! Goddammit! Hotch!" I yell running out of his office and down the hall

"Jesus Morgan! Where is Reid? I thought you were going to take some paper work to do at his house." 

"He's gone Hotch. I left his place to get the paper work and when I got back he was gone. I called him and he said that he was leaving. He said the he wished he could explain, but he couldn't. Hotch we gotta find him."

"I know Morgan. You need to calm down though. We will have Garcia track him." 

"Ok."

I run to Garcia's office a rush through the door.

"How may I help you my king?" She says

"Track Reid. We need to know where he is."

"Ok... From the looks of it he is at the... airport?"

"Thank you baby girl." I say

I climb into my truck and race to the airport, hoping that Spencer's plane hasn't taken off yet. I don't know what is wrong, but I will. I love Spencer with all of my heart and I don't want to lose him. Ever. For any reason. Even this stupid drug, which has obviously made it so he cannot think straight. Otherwise he wouldn't have left. I hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I know it's been awhile since I updated.


	7. Chapter 7

**SPENCER REID**

As I climb onto the plane I start to worry about what people will think of me. They will think that I am a childish person. They will never trust me with anything ever again. I won't be able to return to work, because they will think I am a mentally unstable child. I will not return. I sit down next to an old lady. She smiles at me.

"Hello!" 

"Hi."

I guess I must not sound very nice because after that she doesn't say anything else to me. I pull out my laptop and write an email to send to Hotch.

"Hotchner, 

I am sorry that I have to send you this email. I am writing you to tell you that I will only be returning Quantico to return my badge and gun. At the time I return my badge and gun I will also grab my things from my desk. 

Have a good rest of your day, 

Dr. Spencer Reid" 

After pressing send I shut down my computer and close my eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am no sure about this fic. Should I continue?


	8. Chapter 8

**DEREK MORGAN**

"Hello sir. How may I help you?" A security guard asks me

"I'm SSA Derek Morgan. I was wondering if a SSA Spencer Reid recently bought a plane ticket."

"I do believe that he is on a plane that took off about 10 or so minutes ago. Is this official FBI business?"

"Kind of. Where is that plane heading?"

"Las Vegas, Nevada. We can get you a flight there for a discounted price if you would like."

"No that's alright." I say walking away

As I walk through the airport I call Hotch.

"Hotchner."

"Hotch, he has already left. Can I use the jet?"

"Morgan. You need to calm down. I do not care if you take the jet, but you need to take someone with you."

"Ok. Have JJ meet me at the jet in 10 minutes." I say hanging up

I drive the jet hanger and wait for JJ.


	9. Chapter 9

**SPENCER REID**

By now, I know that Morgan will be looking for me. Hotch will have most likely let him take the jet, which means he will be here soon. About 10 or so minutes by now. I climb into a taxi as soon as the plane lands and head towards the hotel where I am staying. I have my phone powered off that way Garcia cannot track me, my laptop is dead so Hotch cannot even get in touch with me. I really wish that I didn't have to do this, but if I do not, this will never be the same. Nobody will take me seriously. I am such a child for doing this. If I were half as smart as people tell me I am I would never have been this emotional. I would have thought things through. I would have talked to Morgan or Garcia. I really wish I would have told JJ what was going on. She would have understood. JJ always understands. I need to stop thinking about them. All of them. That includes Henry. I need a Henry hug right now. I need a Derek hug right now. I hate hugs. I don't know what I need or what I want. I don't know what I like or dislike. I need the drug...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapters have been so short. I will try and write more often as well as having more words. Have a great day/night/afternoon!


	10. Chapter 10

**DEREK MORGAN**

We drive to all hotels within 10 minutes of the hospital where Spencer's mother is, asking each ones manager if they have seen him. After about 5 hotels we finally find someone who recognizes him. JJ and I run up the stairs with a key to room 105. I first pound on the door, then I unlock it and walk in.

"SPENCER! Come on man! Hey! Wake up! PLEASE! Don't leave me Spence!" I shout seeing him lying on the floor

JJ calls 911 and the rest is a blur of tears, screaming, and red and blue lights.

"Morgan. Morgan! DEREK! You need to calm down. I am sure that Spencer can hear every word you are saying. I am sure that he is scared to." JJ says rubbing my shoulder

When the ambulance finally gets to the hotel, I climb in the back with Spencer. I will not leave his side. Never again. He will never go through anything alone again. I will always protect my baby boy.


	11. Chapter 11

**SPENCER REID**  
  
I wake up in the hospital. _Shit_. That means that someone found me. No one was supposed to find me. I look around the room and see Derek sitting in a chair next to me. 

"Hey Pretty Boy. How are you feeling? JJ and the rest of the team should be here soon." He says quietly

"I'm fine."

"Why didn't you tell me Spencer? I would have helped you. I would do anything to help you Spence you have to understand that. Anyone on the team would drop everything to help you."

"I just needed to see Gideon again. I don't know what to do without him. I trusted him with everything. He helped me through everything. Why do bad things always happen to my friends. I wish it was just me that got hurt and that none of you never got hurt."

"Whenever you get hurt, we all are hurt. You are the baby of the team. We all love you and hate it when you are hurting. JJ thinks of you as a son. Hotch does to. Garcia thinks of you as a little brother. Rossi treats you like a grandson. We think of you as our family. Even Emily loves you. I know you don't believe that she does, because she left, but she really does."

"What about you? I know that you don't consider me family. You have a huge family. You cannot possibly consider me part of your family."

"I love you more than a brother Spencer. I know that you don't understand that, but I really honestly do."

"Why are you here Derek? Go home. I'm fine here alone."

"Do you even know where you are Spence?"

"I'm in Vegas. I need to see my mom."

"I'm not leaving you here alone Spence. JJ just sent me a text saying that she and the rest of the team have a case, I'm staying here with you until you are released. And when you are released I am taking you to my house and never letting you leave my sight ever again. Ok?"

"Whatever. I'm not a child Morgan."

"You are my ~~Baby~~ Pretty Boy."


	12. Chapter 12

**DEREK MORGAN**

"Go back to sleep Spence. You can't get so worked up. Save your strength." I say quietly

"I'm not tired." He says stubbornly

"Spencer. Don't argue with me, or I will go and get the nurse."

"I'm fine. I don't need any medication. I am not tired. I don't need to sleep anymore. Why don't you go home?"

"I'm not leaving you Spencer. I promised Hotch that I would not leave your side until you were able to leave. I probably won't leave your side even then."

"Don't argue with me. Go to sleep." I say sternly, trying not to sound rude

"Whatever Morgan. Can I at least have my book?"

"I suppose you can."

He reads an entire book before he finally falls asleep. I step out into the hall and call Hotch.

"Hotchner."

"Hey Hotch. It's Morgan. I was wondering when you guys will be back."

"Probably 2 or 3 days. Why?"

"Reid is restless. He has been refusing to sleep. He also won't take any sleep medications."

"He is scared. Do they know what happened yet?"

"They are saying it was a near OD. Hotch why didn't he tells us?"

"He needed Gideon. Gideon died and so did a part of him. He needs someone who understands what he is going through. When he is allowed out, why don't you take him to Gideon's grave. He always felt safest when he was around Gideon. Maybe you can get him talking."

"Okay. Thanks Hotch."


	13. Not really a chapter

Hey guys, I have been having a really hard time. I am sorry that I haven't been posting much at all. When I am doing a little better I promise that I will return to writing this fic. In the meantime, do any of you have good fics that I should read? Again I am so sorry to leave you guys hanging like this, but my neighbor died of a brain tumor, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me, and my grandpa is in the hospital. I don't know what to do, but I will be back eventually. I hope you guys are all having a good day! Thanks for understanding. 

-KadynE2025


	14. Chapter 14

**SPENCER REID**

After hours of sleeping, reading, and crying I roll onto my side facing the window. I watch the birds flying around and wish I could be as free as them. Yet here I am. Tied to an IV. Grounded. Stuck. Alone.

"Hey Pretty Boy? How are you doing?" A voice asks from behind me

*sigh* "I'm fine..."

"No you aren't. Come on. Let's go."

"I'm stuck. I can't leave. I am tethered here."

"Not anymore."

Strong hands grab my shoulders and roll me over. I see Derek's milky chocolate eyes looking into mine. He helps me get up and into a wheelchair. He takes me to the elevator. As we make our way down Derek starts laughing.

"Remember that one time when we got stuck in the elevator?"

"And you were terrified?"

"Whatever you were scared and you know it!"

When we make it to the lobby Derek pushes me out of the door and to the car. He helps me into the passenger seat and he gets into the driver seat. He drives without speaking to a cemetery. Soon I realize it's the same cemetery where we buried Gideon. He pulls up to the plot where Gideon was buried. He opens my door and tells me to get out, then he opens the back door and grabs a blanket from the seat. We sit down silently. I start to think about all of the things that Gideon did for me. I think about his letter to me.

"He knew that I would go to the cabin to find him." I say quietly

"He never wanted to leave you like that Spence."

"I know, but why did he? If he didn't want to why did he? It- it all seemed to familiar."

"Just like when your dad left."

"Yah..."

"He thought of you as a son, you know that right?"

"I know. I- I just. I can't. I needed him, Derek. I trusted him with everything!"

"I know Spence." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know it's been a while, but I think I'm doing a little better and I am happy to return to writing. This chapter is a little short, but I hope it's good! I don't want to abandon the story though so here I am! I hope you all like it!


	15. Chapter 15

**DEREK MORGAN**

I pull Spencer closer to me and hold him there. He recites the letter that Gideon left him from memory. Then he recites the letter from his father. I hold him tighter. He slowly relaxes into my arms. His breathing evens out as he falls asleep. I lay back on the blanket carefully. I watch the sun sinking over the horizon. Spencer moves slightly then starts to cry. 

"No... Nonononono! Please don't! I won't kill my team. Please don't make me choose. Tobias... Please..."

"Hey. Come on kid wake up. It's just a dream." I say

"S-s-s-sorry..." He whispers

"It's ok kid. Everyone has nightmares. Are you ok?"

"Yah..."

"Ok. Let's head back to the hospital."

"No. No I can't go back there. I can't stay stuck to that IV for any longer. Derek Please."

"Sorry Spencer. As soon as the doctor says you are good to go home, I'll take you home."

I walk him to the car.

"Do you want to stop and get some ice cream?" I ask him

"I guess."

"Cool! What kind do you want?"

"Um... Vanilla? With sprinkles?"

"Ok."

After finding an ice cream shop and getting the ice cream, I drive to the hospital and walk him up to his room.

"I'll be back soon."

"Ok. I'll be here."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this chapter yesterday, but I couldn't choose away to finish it. I just threw some words on a page, hopefully it's ok.

**SPENCER REID**

I wake up to quite. Not quiet, but silence. No beeping from a heart beat monitor. No crying from other rooms. Nothing. I open my eyes and look around. I see light brown walls with photos on the walls. Not the white washed walls of a hospital. I squint a bit, because my glasses aren't on the bedside table. I struggle to sit up and knock over a glass of water. There is a knock on the door. 

"Hey Pretty Boy. Your awake!" Derek says

"S-sorry..."

"It's ok. I'll go grab a towel." He says walking out

When he returns, he kneels on the floor to clean up the spilled water.

"I can do it..." I mumble

"No you cannot actually, because I cannot allow you to do that. The doctors said that you could leave, but you couldn't do much of anything."

"I'm _fine_ Derek. It's not like I broke anything."

"No you tried to overdose." He says it like he is upset

"I didn't _try_ anything. If I had tried I would have been able to do it. If I had tried I wouldn't have failed."

"Spence... What's going on? D-do you need something? Can I help you in anyway?" 

"I-I just... I don't know anymore... I hate not knowing what to do... I-I just wish that Gideon hadn't died. I wish that he was still here. I wish that he would walk through the door laughing about how even though he is an old guy he can still make a good joke."

"I know kid. I know. Come here." Derek says reaching for me

He pulls me to his chest and despite myself I cry. I sob. 

"Shh... It's ok Spence. It's ok. Your ok." He whispers in my ear

After the tears stop I pull back a bit. Derek smiles. A small sad smile.

"You know, for a kid you're pretty awesome."

"I'm not a child Derek."

"I know sweetheart." He says sitting down on the bed

We sit on the bed in silence. It's not the same silence as when I woke up, but it's more comfortable. It's not a heavy silence. It's a silence that makes me feel safe.


	17. Chapter 17

**DEREK MORGAN**

As Spencer and I lie in bed we watch Saturday morning cartoons. He has shifted a bit, so his back is right against my chest and my arms are wrapped around his waist tightly. My chin is resting on the top of his head. His messy hair is soft on my face. I carefully press my lips to the top of his head, giving him a gentle kiss. He looks up at me, confused. I smile down at him. I rub my thumb over his prominent cheek bones. I lower my lips onto his in a gentle upside down kiss. I pull away to make sure that he doesn't look uncomfortable. He actually looks happy. I grab his arms and roll him over so that he is on his stomach. Then I kiss him again. I sneak my tongue into his mouth and run it over his. He moans a little causing a small vibration to go through both of our mouths. I pull back again and kiss his perfect little nose. 

"I love you Spencer." I whisper

"Why?" He asks as though there is no way that anyone could love him

"Because you are absolutely beautiful, amazingly smart, and the love of my life."

"B-but how could you like me? I-I'm nothing like you. I-I ramble to much... I don't understand any of this..."

"It's okay. You don't have too. All you need to know is that I love you with all of my heart. All I need to know is if you are okay with this."

"Y-yah... I'm okay with it."

"Okay."

I kiss his nose once more then I roll over so we are both on our sides. I look into his beautiful hazel eyes and wonder what I did to deserve having this glorious man in my life. I wonder how I can keep him in my life. I wonder how we're going to tell the team.

"Let's make this official Spence. Will you be my boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"I love you Spencer."

"I-I love you too Derek."

He rolls onto his other side and presses himself up against me. I hold him tightly and we both fall asleep.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is your warning: the chapter has some sexual content in it. If you do not want to be subject to it, you do not have to read this chapter. There is your warning, read at your own risk.

**SPENCER REID**

I wake up wrapped in a blanket. I move onto my back and stare at the ceiling. I feel Derek moving beside me. I look over at him at he smiles at me.

"Hey Baby Boy." He says lovingly

"Hi."

"How did you sleep?"

"Better than I have in years"

"Good. Are you hungry?"

"Yah..."

"Come on then, lets go see what I've got."

We walk to his kitchen and he opens up his fridge. He pulls out a carton of eggs and a package of bacon. Then he walks to the pantry and grabs a container of coffee grounds. He turns on the stove and starts making bacon. Once the bacon is cooked he makes the eggs. Once all of the food is done he takes out two plates. He sits down at the table with me. We eat in silence.

"What do you want to do today?" He asks

"I don't know."

"We have the day off so, it can be anything you want. We can even just stay here and do something if you'd like."

"Like what?"

"I have some ideas."

"Okay."

He reaches for my hand, then pulls me to the bedroom that we slept in last night. After we are both inside he pulls the door shut. He kisses me. Hard. His mouth is already open when it reaches mine. I open mine too and his tongue snakes into my mouth. I decide that I want to try it, so I stick my tongue out and into his mouth. It's warm and wet. It still tastes of coffee. I feel him smile against my lips. He reaches down and grabs my the hem of my shirt. He yanks it off, then removes his own. He grabs my hips and pulls me even closer. His skin is softer than I had imagined it would be. His lips move from my lips to my neck to my chest, slowly making his way lower and lower until he reaches the waste band of my jeans. He looks up at me.

"Is this ok?"

"Y-y-yah"

He unbuttons and unzips my pants then slowly pulls down my pants and boxers. He goes back to kissing my abdomen until he reaches my erection. He carefully takes it in his mouth. He massages my balls with his hand while he licks and sucks my penis. His arm snakes around to my butt. He pushes one finger into my ass. I groan. He pulls his finger out then plunges it back in.

"I-I God Derek! I-I'm gonna..."

"Do it Spencer. Cum for me Baby."

I cum on his face and he laps it up off of me. 

"Mmmm Baby you cum so pretty."

He stands up and grabs my hand. He walks me to the bathroom and turns on the shower.


	19. Chapter 19

**DEREK MORGAN**

After Spencer takes a shower, I give him one of my sweatshirts and a pair of sweatpants. He is so adorable that I can hardly stand it. He crawls into my bed next to me and falls asleep. While he sleeps I start to think. I think about how horrible my life would be if he died. How depressed I would be. Spencer is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I never want to lose him. I would rather lose my job than lose him. Hopefully I won't ever lose him. Every time he gets hurt, I get hurt. I might not get physically hurt, but it hurts me. When I saw him in that hospital bed, I just about cried. I held back the tears though, because I had to be strong for my baby. When he looks at me with those big hazel eyes, my heart melts. Anytime he looks at me, even during the most difficult cases, I find peace and placidity. He is the love of my life. He is the calm in the storm. He is truly a gift in my life. All I can do is hope that this calm happiness never ends.

Spencer whines and struggles against my arms. He starts to cry.

"Spencer. Spencer what's wrong?" I ask

"I-I don't know Derek. Everything is wrong. Everything hurts, but everything is numb too. I don't know what to do anymore Derek."

"It's okay. You don't have to know. I will help you through this."

"You will leave too."

"What are you talking about?"

"You will leave just like Gideon did. You will get tired of me and leave. Or you will make me leave. You won't want me around for very long."

"I love **you** Spencer. I will never stop loving you. When Hankel took you, I spent every second missing you, I worried that I would never see you again. I worried that I would never get to tell you how much I love you."

"Do you really love me?"

"Yes. Darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own."

I pull him closer and kiss him softly on the lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What song did I use lyrics from?
> 
> A friend recently told me to look up my username, upon doing so I found that one of my fics had been posted to another websites. If you want to repost, ask permission. Thankfully the person who reposted gave me credits, but I would rather that you ask permission before reposting. If you didn't write a fic, you should not repost it. Ask before you repost!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter... Just tying up a few lose ends. Hopefully you have enjoyed reading the fic. I know that I'm not the best at updating on a regular schedule, but life is hard. Extremely short, but this is it.

**SPENCER REID**

I wake up in Derek's arms once again. I don't think I will ever get used to the warmth of his body up against mine. Or the immense love that I feel every time we touch. 

Derek will never leave me. I know that now. He is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Derek cares about me. He cares about everything I feel.

If I had to choose between books and Derek, I would choose Derek. When he holds me, I feel safe. When he kisses me, I feel loved. When he looks at me, I feel like a thousand stars are exploding in my chest. I love Derek Morgan. I will love him now and forever. I will never be the same. 


End file.
